Conall

 

May 2012

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I was swimming in the ocean, and a big wave rushed toward me. My first thought was: “Oh no. This one is huge. This is bad” Of course fear joined in too. As the wave captured me, my body went rigid in alarm and I was tumbled around with such ferocity, that I almost lost consciousness. It hit me hard. It wasn’t just one, relentlessly one wave after another came. I resisted against them and struggled to survive. I was terrified and fought with all I had. Of course the ocean won and turned me upside down and inside out. In the end she had mercy and threw me out.

I lay gasping for breath in the sand, all covered with seaweed too. Cried in exhaustion and never ever wanted to go back to that cruel monster again (I took it rather personal. Funny really).

Sometimes, when we get tumbled and thrown by life, by circumstances or people we tighten up in fear, shut down and do not want anything to do with life anymore -or only a little bit (as long as we can control it). We aren’t fully alive then. It is the same with Love. We experience hurt, when a partner betrays or leaves us, when a friend rejects us…We become afraid and try to protect ourselves from ever experiencing this gut wrenching pain again. So, we move to the sidelines to stay safe, create armor around our once tender heart. When we experience hurt we might think the problem is with love, so we get busy in making all sorts of justified barriers against it. We build asphalt; some are more sophisticated then others. We argue about how it should be. Trying to fix others, ourselves…everything including life.

But the problem is not the ocean, is not life, the problem is not with love- it is our deep-seated sense of separation, our disconnect, forgetting who we are, our interpretations…each one has a different version. And waves come in the ocean, as well as in life and in relationships. There is a different way, one where we get to live fully and truly, no matter what comes. We can learn to respond rather than react, if we are willing to be intimately present and open to meet what arising. When we dare to open to the hurt, when we lean into the wave, when we stay present with what is happening and not control, contract and tighten up, then, after the wave of discomfort passes through us, we expirience far more aliveness and love than ever known before.

Well, I could not resist the call of the sea with all the beauty, magnificence, dangers and waves for too long. I went in for a different relationship with the unknown. At some point the dreaded moment came again. I was out in the sea, when the wind suddenly raised the waves and they rolled full speed at me. This time I repeated: “Relax into the wave honey.” I admit, given the size of those huge waves, it took all I had to relax into my body, be present, when everything in me just wanted to scream, recoil or hold my breath, close my eyes until it was over. In those moments we need our breath the most though.

How about breathing into your own big toe right now? Finally, I did take a deep breath and relaxed. In that moment natural knowing emerged as to what to do and I dove under the turbulence, deep into silence to the ground of the sea. I opened my heart to the power of creation, felt intimately connected with the water and her movement. It seemed I was carried by grace, led through and made it actually happily to the shore. Still came out with seaweed though…was good for making seaweed salad. I felt truly alive and at one with all. The waves, the situation had been the same. I just related from presence, my being, this time. A very different way then from conditioned reactions. I call it truly living.

How intimate are you with this moment? Right now if you like, let yourself relax into what is happening, into your experience as it is, into your body, allow what you feel, stay present and let yourself be taken into the stillness, the love, the ground where all is intimately connected and you just simply are. May be have a go –welcome openly the next wave and allow life to take you home into your heart. Rest in the mellow waters along the way. And may you enjoy and trust life itself. After all it’s got the wisdom to bring a blade of grass through cement!
Remember, no matter where you are- you are loved and held in benevolence. Pass it on. Nicola